Oh Maple
by DarkmoonSigel
Summary: HEY! HERE'S SOME CRACK! CAUSE I KNOW YOU WANTED SOME! YO CRACK MOMMA LOVES YOU, LITTLE CRACK BABIES! Lots and lots of cursing, rude gestures, blah, blah, blah...Don't f'ing read it if you're a prude. Thanks. Oh and all questions are real questions about Canada from the International Tourism Website. I stole them cause I'm a big whole stealer. I own nothing cause I'm lazy.


APH Crack Fic- Oh Maple

Another World Meeting, another afternoon were productivity went to die a slow agonizing death. Canada had given up a while back trying to take notes. There was only so many times he could write down 'Fucken hell, I am so bored. Why is America talking about robots….again. England wants more tea. Never mind, France and England are fighting…again. Greece is sleeping and everyone is letting him, that lucky inconsiderate bastard. Prussia doing that weird expression…..again. He either wants a blow job or a wurst.' before a nation went crazy and did very unpleasant things to others nations with stationary and caused international incidents that a fruit basket and an apology letter couldn't fix.

Just as Canada was about to use his invisibility to his advantage and sneak out of this shit show, Germany demanded the room's full attention. "EVERYONE SHUT THE HELL UP!", the German bellowed, "I SWEAR TO GOTT THE NEXT NATION WHO SPEAKS WILL BE LICKING MY BOOTS CLEAN!"

"How crude of you. Please be proper and keep your sexual fetishes to yourself.", Austria sniffed dryly, glaring at the German over his cup of tea.

"What!? Nein!", Germany gaped at his neighbor in undisguised horror, "That's not what I…."

"Doitsu! How could you!? You said I could do that later on tonight!", Italy bawled, the petite nation looking heartbroken as he burst into tears.

"Oh mio Dio! Why! Why would you say something like that aloud and in front of me! Too much! My ears! My fucking beautiful ears!", Romano screamed, clutching the sides of his head, "Chiggi! I'm going to kill you later, potato bastard. After I scrub out the inside of my head with a brillo pad and some bleach! Fuck, what is wrong with you two!?".

"Excuse me.", England coughed politely, "While this is all quite droll, was there an actual point buried somewhere beneath all the verbal rubbish?".

"Why can you not be staying the quiet for once, rosbif?", France pouted at his oldest frenemy, "They were just getting to the good part of their l'amour.".

England's reply was cut off by a desperate nation though, "Ja, danke!", Germany said quickly, "My point was that these meeting are going nowhere. Are there any helpful suggestions on how to fix this? Nothing normal seems to work for us, so let's hear some other ideas."

"We could…"

"SHUT UP AMERICA!", the room yelled in unison. It did nothing to detour the peppy blonde though.

"Not cool, haters. I was just gonna suggest that we talk it out.", America flipped a pair of birds to the room, presenting them slowly to every nation as he did a full turn, "Sit on that and rotate.".

"How…..level headed of you.", England arched a huge brow at his former colony, "We were expecting some more nonsense about robots. Are you feeling alright? Enough lard getting to your brain?".

"Go to hell, England.", America stuck his tongue out at the former empire before turning his attention back to the room, "So, whatcha think?"

"I zay, we pick a nation, a beautiful nation of love of course, and talk about him.", France smiled alluringly at no one in particular while flipping his hair with a spray of hearts and rose petals. The amorous nation barely had enough time to take cover as bullets flew over where his head had been.

"Denied. We are keeping this meeting free of filth.", Switzerland reminded everyone present sternly, the barrel of his sniper rifle still smoking.

"Why is he allowed guns and I'm not?", America whined until the rifle was aimed in his direction.

"Neutrality, bitch.", Switzerland smirked, retaking his seat as America grumbled to himself about how everyone else was a big ole meanie to him and heroes should be allowed their guns although lasers would be better….no scratch that…Light sabers! Light sabers would be wicked! America amused himself by making light sabers sounds as he swished his pen around like one. The other nations stared at him for a moment before moving on when it became apparent that America wasn't going to stop anytime soon.

"Since there is no real opposition to this and it is not a bad idea considering the source, we will talk to one nation at a time per meeting and ask him questions. To make it fair, everyone will put their name into hat and I will pick one. Now…..who has a hat?", Germany took control again though the German was unable to find a hat. He used a empty McDonald's bag instead, there being plenty in the meeting room due to America. Germany tried not to cringe at the greasiness of it as he plunged his hand in to retrieve a scrap of paper. Drawing a name forth, Germany announced the country to be questioned by all the others.

"Canada."

"Who?", the room answered back with one "Fuck Yeah!" from a certain Prussian nation. Canada was too excited to notice though. He had gotten picked! Out of all the countries, Canada was going to be the focal point of the meeting for once. The Canadian tried to contain his excitement as he walked up to the speaking podium. This was his chance, his time to shine! He was going to make the other nations remember him. Canada couldn't wait to hear their questions.

The Canadian held onto these cheery feelings for about 2.2 seconds. And then America opened his big fat mouth.

"Why is your milk in bags?", America asked, before Canada called on him.

"Well…..um….that's really the only thing you could think of to ask me?", Canada gaped incredulously at his twin. America shrugged, the picture of indifference.

"It's rude to answer a question with a question. I thought Canadians were supposed to be polite.", America pointed out. To Canada's horror, he watched as several other nations nodded in agreement with his neighbor. So that's how the world wanted to play this. Ok, Canada was game.

"I am terribly sorey aboot that. I forget to take my politeness shot this morning. It's like insulin but is made from sunshine and fresh air. All Canadians take it first thing in the morning with a tall glass of milk, which in bag form is easier for us to pour since we are so high on life.", Canada answered, sweet with coiling sarcasm. He watched as it flew right over the nations' collective heads. "Next question. Yes…..England."

"I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow?", England asked, looking perfectly serious. Canada barely refrained himself in time from face palming. Apparently America wasn't the only nation with misconceptions.

"What an interesting question. Not many people know this but a large part of our national budget goes to the importation of all our plant life. We ship it in fully grown, distribute the flora evenly across Canada, and then sit around and watch it die. It's one of our lesser known hobbies.", Canada explained, ignoring Prussia as the albino smothered a laugh.

"Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street?", America asked, blatantly ignoring the polar bear in Canada's arms.

"I am so glad that you asked that.", Canada put on a fake grin as he ground his back teeth, "The answer to that is 'yes'. The polar bears are a vital part of Canadian society. They direct traffic in our larger cities. In the more rural areas, children ride them to school. It's environmentally friendly and it keeps the bears' unemployment percentage low. As we like to say in Canada, 'A productive bear is a happy bear.'."

"Fuck you.", Kumajirou snapped.

"Shut up.", Canada whispered out of the side of his mouth.

"I w'nt to w'lk from Vancouver to Toronto? C'n I follow the Railroad tr'cks?", Sweden asked, making every nation turn to stare at the quiet nation as they tried to mentally translate what he had just mouth vomited.

"Why would you…there's a train….makes no sense…", Canada struggled mentally for a moment before giving up, "Sure, why not? Whatever floats your boat. It's only aboot four thousand miles. Wear comfortable shoes, bring lots of water and for the love of maple, don't forget your beaver repellant".

"Is it s'fe to run 'round in the bushes in C'n'da?", Sweden asked again, much to everyone's surprise. Finland turned a very interesting shade of pink at the question which only worsened when France started to chuckle.

Sweden looked dead serious but then, he always did. "That is what the beaver repellant is for.", Canada said carefully, "It's available only where poutine is sold though so stock up when and where you find it."

The next question made Canada want to smack the nation asking it.  
"Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada ? If there are, would you be so kind to send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver , Edmonton and Halifax?", England asked. Canada felt a little sad to notice that his former keeper was actually taking notes.

"We do. They are conveniently located at all of our trading posts. You will however need to speak French though to be understood and have a firm grasp of our intricate bartering system since we do not believe in paper money and trade for goods and services with animal pelts only although we do accept Discover.", Canada had to kick Prussia in the shin, the pale nation beginning to lose it.

"Can you give me some information about the hippo racing in Canada?", America asked, popping his gum.

Canada didn't know whether to glare at his twin or throw something sharp and heavy at him. "Hippos? Really, cause when you think Canada, you think hippos.", Canada tried to find the reasoning behind the madness.

"Well, yeah. So when are they?", America was not seeing the flaw in his question as per usual.

"The hippo racing is every other Tuesday night in Calgary and Thursday night in Quebec. There is a very strict dress code though so I would advise you to be on the safe side and come naked.", Canada deadpanned.

"Do you have perfume in Canada?", Germany asked briskly. Canada took a moment to stare the German down.

"No, no we don't. Every Canadians bathes so we don't feel the need to use it.", Canada said after a moment, "If you fly in with perfume, you will be stopped at the airport, scrubbed down, and given a very thorough cavity search. We do this to detour perfume smuggling rings."

"Understood.", Germany grunted, jotting that bit of info down. Prussia decided at that point to crawl underneath the table so that he could laugh without Canada bruising his shins every two seconds.

"Ve~ Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population?", Italy asked while Germany was busy writing.

"Excellent question. Gay bars.", Canada snapped, his patience growing thin with all the other nations. Were there really this many dumb questions and misconceptions about him?

When "Which direction is North in Canada?" was asked by America, Canada gave into the urge to throw something at his brother. Kumajirou suddenly found himself airborne before smacking head first into the American's hard skull. "Any other questions?", Canada ventured, taking a moment to straighten out his tie to the sounds of bear mauling.

"Can I bring cutlery into Canada?", England asked, making Canada's shoulders slump once again in defeat.

"Only if you want to offend the natives. Canadians prefer to eat only with their fingers. Cutlery is seen as evil metallic servants of the devil. I would urge you never to eat with any form of cutlery while in Canada or else suffer from the dire consequences of your careless actions.", Canada shook his head in mock sadness.

"Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule?", America called out, having finally made peace with Kumajirou. Austria was outraged enough by the question to go seek out his piano in the corner of the meeting room.

Canada answered the question with Chopin as background music, the tall blonde not missing a beat as he leaned up against the podium. "Funny thing about that, the Vienna Boys Choir performs every other Tuesday night in Calgary straight after the hippo races, not before and never in Quebec. Don't worry. It's a common misconception. There is a very strict dress code so come naked.".

"I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada?", America stole another turn by kicking Sealand out of his way, the micro nation somehow managing to seek in again.

"Quit trying to unload the stuff you buy from Ebay on me.", Canada snapped, "How's aboot you let another nation ask a question.".

"Oh hell to the no.", America laughed, "Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada?"

"Al, quit trying to sell me your crap.", Canada rolled his eyes, looking around for any other nation to talk to. He sighed when he saw Germany raise his hand once again.

" Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round?", Germany asked.

"What is with all the fascination with my milk?", Canada grumbled, clearing his throat to answer, "In Toronto, no. Not a one. Trading caravans travel around the province, going from town to town. Milk is a rare and precious resource there due to this."

"I have a question about a famous animal in Canada , but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns.", America yelled out, the nation playing patty cake with Kumajirou now.

"Moose? Yes, we have several different species of moose. The most feared and dreaded of them all is the dire moose…", Canada was cradling his head in his hands.

"Is that like a dire wolf?", America's head shot up in interest, the nation losing the game of patty cake to the bear.

"America, don't interrupt or I won't tell you how to save yourself from turning into the undead after they bite you.", Canada went for broke and was rewarded by a frightened look on his twin's face.

"Moose can do that?", America whispered, swallowing hard.

"Oh yes. That is why you are never supposed to give a moose a muffin.", Canada bit the inside of his cheek to keep from laughing. "Ok, the meeting's time is almost over. I have time for one last question."

"Will I be able to speak English most places I go?", America took it home for them.

"No, we speak only French and some dialect of Swahili.", Canada sighed, "Meeting adjourned.". The nation flopped back in his seat, suddenly exhausted as he watched the other nations file out. One nation remained though, Prussia crawling out from under the table, wiping tears of laughter from his scarlet eyes.

"You are a terrible influence on me.", Canada muttered at the Prussian.

"I was going to go with awesome, but whatever tickles your pickle.", Prussia grinned.

"You know what would be 'awesome' and 'really tickle my pickle'?", Canada leered, parting his legs to slap his inner thigh suggestively. "You know…..while you're down there."

"Kesesese. Here I thought Canadians were shy and chaste as the driven snow.", Prussia chuckled, moving into position.

"Another wild misconception put to rest."

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooo o

The mountie had just wanted to go get a tall steaming cup of Timmies. Was that too much to ask for? Apparently so, because instead of going on his break, the tired officer of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police had to deal with an obviously deranged tourist. He felt he really didn't get paid enough to deal with this crap.

"But I'm here for the hippo races! How much more naked do I have to be?!"

"Fucken Americans."


End file.
